I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
