I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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