I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
