i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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