I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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