what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
