Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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