dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Randomize
