she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
