hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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