Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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