I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
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