So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
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Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
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I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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