She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
