Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
the liver wants what the liver wants
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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