seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
