I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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