you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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