i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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