I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
