I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
