Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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