Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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