Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
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Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
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Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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