ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
My vagina is officially offended.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Randomize
