I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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