i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize