He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
