Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
