Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
