Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
