I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
