We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
