I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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