if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Randomize
