Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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