ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
This is my gift to your gina
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
