The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
