You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
