All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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