I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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