the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
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