so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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