I hate all girls vehemently.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Randomize
