im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
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