Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
