I accidentally burped into my bong.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
