I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
