I just saw a hot homeless man
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
