I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Randomize
