I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
