I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
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