don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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