Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
