She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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