New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
