I just threw up on my dentist
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Randomize
