Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
then he tried to convert me to islam
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
