just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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